Why there’s nothing to fear from checking in with a friend
By Heather Allen
There’s no denying the profound effect the Covid-19 pandemic had on our social lives. Friendships once kept going by regular, face-to-face meetings were reduced to phone calls, messages and emails, from which state of affairs some have not recovered. Others went the other way and have been strengthened by the move to all-virtual communication. One thing held in common is that people are hesitating to resume pre-pandemic friendships, perhaps because they do not expect a positive response, and the longer we leave it, the more difficult it gets to reach out. We are afraid that our old friends will reject us, that any gesture of reaching out will be taken badly after all this time, and this fear can stop us from making the effort. This can be a particular problem in places and contexts where lives have been set up for isolation rather than spontaneous social interactions, with a steady decline in social interactions in society noted as a key factor in our dwindling confidence to make, remake or strengthen connections.
However, new research from the University of Pittsburgh shows that these fears are largely groundless. The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think is the work of a team of researchers headed by Peggy Liu and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The research explores how accurate people are at estimating how much others might value an attempt to connect, and what factors might play into that degree of appreciation. Comprised of an initial literature review plus seven separate experiments involving more than 5,900 participants, the research found that people appreciate an unexpected call, text or email far more than the person making the contact believes that they will. The more surprising the connection, the greater the appreciation.
In one experiment, half of the participants were asked to recall the last time they used email, text, or phone to reach out to someone in their social circle “just because” or “just to catch up” after an extended period without any interaction with them. The remaining participants were prompted to think of a similar situation where someone had reached out to them. Participants were then asked to indicate how much either they or the person they reached out to either appreciated, felt grateful, felt thankful, or felt pleased by the contact using a 7-point scale (1=not at all, 7=to a great extent). People who recalled reaching out thought the gesture they recalled was significantly less appreciated in comparison to those who recalled receiving a communication.
In other experiments, participants sent a short note, or a note and a small gift, to someone in their social circle with whom they had not interacted in a while. Again, participants who initiated contact were asked to rate on a 7-point scale the extent to which they thought the recipient would appreciate, feel grateful for, and feel pleased by the contact. After the notes and gifts were sent, researchers also asked the recipients to rate their appreciation.
Across all experiments, those who initiated the communication significantly underestimated the extent to which recipients would appreciate the act of reaching out. However, the key element to appreciation was surprise.
“We found that people receiving the communication placed greater focus than those initiating the communication on the surprise element, and this heightened focus on surprise was associated with higher appreciation,” Ms Liu said. “We also found that people underestimated others’ appreciation to a greater extent when the communication was more surprising, as opposed to part of a regular communication pattern, or the social ties between the two participants were weak.”
In the study, ‘reaching out’ was taken to mean a purely social interaction, defined broadly to involve a minimum criterion consisting of a gesture to check-in with someone to show that one is thinking of them, such a brief text saying “Hi”, “I’m thinking of you”, “Hope you are well”, or sending a small, thoughtful gift. The study specifically excluded other elements, such as asking for help, offering a compliment, or expressing gratitude.
The research also found that in a face-to-face social interaction, people tend to be focussed on their own actions and overestimate the salience of these actions to others, thereby often underestimating how much their conversation partners enjoyed their company. People focus on their own internal monologues, which are frequently self-critical and negative. Crucially, many people bring their own egocentric perspectives to bear when predicting other’s mental states, the study points out, and so initiators are less focussed on the responder’s positive feelings of surprise than the responder is. The research found that responders are more focused on their own feelings of surprise when reached out to, both because the unexpectedness of the event is salient for them, but also because they are attuned to cues of the warmth of others. By contrast, the unexpectedness is not a salient feature for the initiators, given that the reach-out is not a surprise for them.
Early work cited by the study conceptualised surprise as one of the basic emotions, along with happiness, sadness, anger, fear, and disgust. Surprise can make a positive event more positive, or a negative event more negative. Surprise gifts, as an example, can have a positive effect when they signal warmth and care on the part of the giver – body lotion for a new mum, a new book by a favourite author for a sick friend and so on. However, surprise gifts can be negative when they overreach the boundaries of the relationship (hold off on the ostentatious bouquet for an acquaintance), or insulting in the context of a relationship (an unasked-for vacuum cleaner as an anniversary present from a spouse is unlikely to be met with enthusiasm). Neither a brief message or a small gift are likely to be perceived as bad or uncomfortable among acquaintances, the research finds.
“I sometimes pause before reaching out to people from my pre-pandemic social circle for a variety of reasons. When that happens, I think about these research findings and remind myself that other people may also want to reach out to me and hesitate for the same reasons,” Ms Liu said. “I then tell myself that I would appreciate it so much if they reached out to me and that there is no reason to think they would not similarly appreciate my reaching out to them.”
Researchers hope that the findings will encourage people to reach out to their social contacts more often, “just because”. Such gestures are likely to be appreciated more than people predict. People may underestimate the extent to which simple reach-outs may serve not just to maintain relationships, but to strengthen them as well.
“For those treading back into the social milieu with caution and trepidation, feeling woefully out of practice and unsure, our work provides robust evidence and an encouraging green light to go ahead and surprise someone by reaching out,” the study concludes. “Such reach-outs are likely to be appreciated more than one thinks.”
There you have it. No more excuses. They really won’t mind, you know. Get on the phone, get texting, emailing, messaging or whatever. Get in touch with those long-lost friends. You’ll be glad you did.
The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think. Liu, P. J., Rim, S., Min, L., & Min, K. E. (2022), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.